Another year is over and a new one has just begun. If you’re like me, you may find that this time of year seems to be the heaviest; it’s full of mixed emotions as we reflect upon the past twelve months.

Perhaps as you look back on the year, you realize that it was your best one yet. You may have celebrated an accomplishment, began a new chapter in your life, welcomed someone into your family, or had a wonderful life-changing experience.

However, there are those who feel sadness, regret and despair when they reflect upon the past year. Maybe that’s you. Maybe you were faced with circumstances beyond your control, you suffered a painful loss, or perhaps you just wish that some of your choices were different. Whatever the case, know that you are not alone.

Personally, I found this New Year’s celebration to be incredibly difficult as I thought about what 2015 looked like for me. In hindsight, the year didn’t start out all that well, almost as if it were foreshadowing what was to come.

On New Year’s Eve, 2014, I found myself suffering from a pregnancy complication and strapped to a gurney in an air ambulance as I was transferred to a hospital 500km away. My husband couldn’t fly with me, so he left our kids with a caregiver and drove nearly five hours to meet me–just so that we could be together to welcome 2015 in my new hospital room. As the clock struck midnight, a wave of relief washed over me. I was extremely grateful to leave 2014 behind as it was bittersweet: full of both joy and sorrow. And although I looked forward to 2015 with optimism, nothing could have prepared me for what it would bring.

Less than two weeks after ringing in the New Year, our baby boy was born at just 25 weeks gestation, weighing under 2 pounds. My world crumbled when I realized I was in labour–to say it was terrifying would be an understatement. No one ever expects to find themselves in such a situation, but there we were, thrust into the world of being NICU parents to a micro preemie.

We were told that the NICU was like rollercoaster ride, full of ups and downs. However, I disagree. I would say it’s actually more like living out an awful television drama, full of unexpected plot twists, miracles, indescribable heartache and unspeakable joy. We would have to endure this drama for four long months. During this time, our sweet baby suffered through more pain and faced more trials than most people experience in a lifetime, and we were helpless to stop it. All we could do was stand by his side and pray.

Our worst day dawned about a month after our son was born. I walked into the NICU and found that his breathing had severely deteriorated overnight. His lungs were failing him and, on top of that, he had contracted an illness so severe that the doctors advised discontinuing life support; they were convinced that any further treatment was futile. No words can describe what it’s like to be given news like that. In that moment, his life was the only thing in the world that mattered. We came together as a family and prayed more fervently for him more than ever before. By God’s grace, and to the amazement of the doctors, our son made a full recovery, only requiring surgery (a month later) to remove some scar tissue that had formed when he’d healed.

While all this NICU drama was unfolding, my husband had to return to work. For months we lived in different cities, separated by a long drive. He came down on weekends and I was left to split my time between taking care of our two older kids and visiting our baby in the NICU when our other children were at a babysitter’s.

I can tell you that those were some of the darkest days of my life: my stomach was twisted into a permanent knot, my chest felt tight–like I couldn’t breathe–and there were several nights where I found myself crying (what felt like) every tear I had. All I wanted was to be a family again, to have everyone healthy and together under one roof.

And so, after 123 days, my wish came true; our baby finally came home. However, having him home wasn’t quite like what we had expected–we found that though we had left the NICU, it never really left us. You cannot come out of a situation like that unchanged. The rest of the year was spent in countless doctors appointments and taking whatever precautions we could to ensure our baby remained healthy, so as to avoid another hospital stay. It was completely unlike when we’d brought our other (full-term) babies home from the hospital.

And yet, as I relived some of my most painful moments, I realized that I wouldn’t change anything. It may sound strange, but we experienced beauty in the midst of our circumstances. Because of our trials, we had the opportunity to meet and develop relationships with so many incredible people, several of whom will forever be dear to our hearts: medical professionals, friends, family, strangers, other NICU families, etc.

Our marriage also looks different now than it did a year ago. Going through a complex pregnancy and the NICU together showed us the true meaning of “for better or for worse”–it became more than just a nice cliché. At a time when many relationships falter, ours thrived because we chose to unite and press on together. In doing so, we learned things we never knew about ourselves, each other and our faith. As such, we came out stronger than ever before.

On a personal level, I have been completely transformed by this past year: my faith is deeper, my relationships richer and my empathy greater.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 (NIV)

If this past year was hard for you, I would encourage you to look back at how it has shaped you, how you have grown and what you have learned. Consider what you can take away from your experiences, focus on what you can look forward to in the new year and how you can make the best of it.

Despite everything that has happened, I am choosing to face this year with the same optimism that I held for last year. I know it won’t be without its own trials and hardships, but I’m trusting that we’ll be able to enjoy more family time and I plan on soaking up all of the little moments that often get taken for granted.

Blessings,

Elise

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)